Listening for God

Am I a person of faith? Well I guess it depends on what day you ask me. I always say that I am. I go to church. I taught Sunday school. I’ve taken part in my share of pot luck dinners (an act of true faith, as you never know what you’re going to get on those occasions). But there have been times, I concede, that I found myself merely going through the motions.

In fact, a few years ago I was so much in the cycle of going through the motions that I didn’t even want to go to church anymore. I found myself overcome with vast amounts of guilt because I didn’t feel “spiritual” enough when I was in church. It was a time in my life when emptiness trumped all other feelings I may have had. I couldn’t get into the whole religiosity thing. As a result, sitting in church turned out to be a weekly struggle to prevent the tears from flowing. I wanted so desperately to feel the Holy Spirit inside of me. And because I couldn’t, I deemed myself a hypocrite – one not worthy to be sitting in a place of worship. I eventually shared these feelings with my pastor, who assured me that it was normal to feel the way I did during various times in my life. Most of all, she told me I was not a hypocrite. She knew, she said, because true hypocrites don’t get upset (like I did) about being hypocrites.

That thought comforted me, and with that I was able to resign myself to the fact that the Spirit was within me, but buried beneath all of the stresses of life.

And those stresses were numerous, going beyond the rat race of juggling a family and work. There were extended family members who needed care. There was graduate school. And the job was one where I was constantly swamped. And to beat all, health problems started to creep into the picture, no doubt because my busy life had adversely impacted my immune system. There were the ruptured discs in my neck in late 2009; then a couple of rounds of the flu in early 2010, followed by a two-month bronchitis-type affliction that I couldn’t shake to save my life. By last summer after surviving a three-week intercession graduate course (in health communication, believe it or not), my primary goal was to regain my health and emotional well-being (as I was completely burned out). Taking up yoga helped some with that. But I admit it never occurred to me to look to God to help me make things better. Being the lukewarm fan of faith that I am, I don’t normally think of God first.

It wasn’t until last August when I decided that I might want to strengthen my relationship with God. (And, of course, like any lukewarm fan, it was because I needed something.) It was last August when my job abruptly went away and I suddenly found myself unemployed. Wow, how scared was I then? Initially, I worried about so many things – supporting my children, keeping a roof over our head and getting another job. I was collecting unemployment benefits, but what would happen if the unemployment runs out and I’m still not employed? Essentially, I freaked out. But as I calmed down and tried to apply some logic to what had happened, I decided everything happens for a reason. God simply had another plan. Could it be I was supposed to spend more time with my children? Do a better job at keeping up with the laundry? Or was I just meant to do something else? It was up to me to just be patient and wait until God revealed His plan to me.  

I also decided that these trying times were meant to be. After all, isn’t that when we truly fall in love with God – when we really need Him? Perhaps God wanted me to fall in love with him again, much like when I was a little girl and would write letters to Him while I sat in my bedroom closet. I remember I would share my deepest feelings with Him and when I signed those letters it wasn’t enough to sign my name. I wanted to make sure He knew who was writing to Him. I would not only sign my name (Lisa), but my planet (Earth), my country (U.S.A.), state, city and neighborhood. You’d think since those letters never left my bedroom closet that He would know they were from me. But I included the rest of the information just in case.

One thing that I really hated about being jobless was when I had to pare back our financial contributions to the church. My husband and I had always considered ourselves “joyful givers.” (This was in spite of being a lukewarm fan of faith.) I hated to pull the plug like that. Particularly painful to me was reneging on a three- year pledge to help fund a major renovation and additional wing to the building. As the three-year period wrapped up last month (when everyone was supposed to have their pledges paid) we were still in the hole, even though we would put a little bit toward the pledge whenever we could. But hey, you can’t draw blood from a turnip, right?

This brings me to a sermon that my pastor preached just a few weeks ago. She talked about how God never promised that we wouldn’t suffer or have bad things happen to us. Instead, God just promises that we don’t have to suffer alone. She also talked about how God is always watching and often uses other people to help us. She cited a time when she was collecting donations one Sunday on behalf of a woman who was about to have her heat turned off because of a delinquent bill. Throughout the day the pastor collected an astounding $1,840. And the next day when a member of the church went with the woman to pay her bill, how much was the bill? Exactly $1,847.

Coincidence or God-incidence? My pastor would say the latter. Since I am the lukewarm fan, I would say it could have been either.

But then the other day something happened that made me wonder if there could be something to these God-incidences. I have this credit card, you see. It’s one that I’ve had for probably 10 years. And it’s one where you earn a few cents here, a few cents there for each purchase you make. I don’t use it much, but normally I put big dollar purchases on it – such as vacation expenses – just for convenience’s sake. A couple of weeks ago I logged on to my rewards account and noticed I could send a written request to be sent a check for the rewards I had earned. Okay, sounds good. I mailed a request. And last week they sent me an email confirming my request and that they would be sending me a check in the mail.

And how much will the check be? My eyes widened when I saw the amount -- $940.96.

It’s money I didn’t know I had – popping out from nowhere. I instantly thought about the pledge that we had fallen short on at the church – the one where we still owed $910. It was as if God was saying to me right then and there, “Okay, you didn’t have the money. Here it is. You know what it’s for.” And knowing God’s sense of humor He probably said, “Oh, here’s an extra $30 so you guys can go get a bite to eat after you pay off your pledge.”

Coincidence? Or God-incidence? This time I lean toward the latter. I think the heat has just gone up a notch beyond my usual lukewarm setting. And yes, I know where that money is going.

For some reason, I see it as a sign that God will continue to be with me and show me the way. I still am not completely sure what my mission is or what real purpose I have on this earth. But I think I’m past the really thick fog. Perhaps I’ve wandered into a little lighter fog– one where I can at least spot some fuzzy outlines on the horizon. What’s the plan, God? I still don’t know. But I can be patient as long as I know there is a plan.

On His time, though. Not mine.

You tell me when, God. And in the meantime, I’ll keep the faith.