It inevitably happens anytime I have to choose a line in the grocery store, at the bank, at the fast food place or anywhere else: I choose the wrong one. Last Friday was no exception.
I had just posted my last blog where I had mentioned that there was nothing better than a good goetta sandwich on rye. And guess what? I started salivating for goetta reubens and decided that’s what I wanted for dinner that night. My son was at his baseball practice until 7:30, so I figured before picking him up I would run to the supermarket near the high school to purchase the necessary items to make for a premium goetta reuben. Of course, there was the Glier’s Goetta, along with a loaf of Busken Bakery rye bread, some really fancy gourmet sauerkraut from the deli section, good quality Swiss cheese, and to top it off – Pine Club Thousand Island salad dressing (direct from the renowned Pine Club steakhouse in Dayton, Ohio, located only a block and a half from my apartment when I was a poor college student at the University of Dayton. Too bad I couldn’t afford to patronize the place when I lived there. Anyhow, the Thousand Island is to die for. I hear the steaks are good too.)
So where was I? Oh, yes. I’ve loaded my items in my cart, along with three bottles of two-liter soft drinks (which my boys inhale, but only on the weekends because being the good parent that I am they’re not allowed soft drinks during the week) and a gallon of milk. Check-out time. I could try to go through the self-check out, but I felt I was just over the border of what the sign requests at the self-check: “small orders only.” I’ve had my share of being pissed off at those self-absorbed inconsiderates who try to get away with purchasing a couple of weeks’ worth of groceries at the “small orders only” self check. So being the considerate person that I am, I headed for a regular check-out line. “Why, there’s one,” I say to myself, noting only one person there. And she doesn’t seem to have that much stuff. Hence, my choice was made.
I position myself direction behind her and quickly unload the edibles, noting my watch and the fact that I’m now running a little late picking up my son. Hopefully I’ll be able to get out of here quick. By the time my items are on the belt, the other woman’s items had all been scanned. So far, so good.
Then my heart sank. Out they came.
Coupons. Lots of coupons. Dozens of coupons. And one by one, the cashier scans them just as she would scan each individual grocery item. I’m not exactly sure how she pulled this off because I don’t know how the extreme coupon game works, but I’m pretty sure she had more coupons than items. What’s up with that?
Problem was, I was stuck. While I was unloading my items on the belt, others positioned themselves behind me. Fortunately, they were able to get away. They saw the endless quantities of coupons emanating from this woman’s very being. They waited impatiently for a short time. And then, in the most discrete way, they were able to quietly sneak off and book it to another register. But my stuff was already on the belt. What was I to do? How could I pack up my items and head to another register without appearing awkward? So I waited. And waited. The cashier finished scanning the coupons, and as soon as she did, Coupon Queen would pull out more. And when it was finally over, there was a question as to whether they had all been scanned. Perhaps a couple had been stuck together . So a recount took place. In the meantime, I envied my fellow shoppers as they breezed through the other lines. Damn! In total, six people went through at the register next to me while I was waiting for the one woman in front of me to get done and get out. I stood there at least 20 minutes. The only consolation was the realization that I would be at least 30 minutes late picking up my son – payback for all the times he had kept me waiting. And even better, I had an excuse.
When Coupon Queen concluded her transaction and departed, I slowly sauntered up to the cashier as she began to scan my items. It didn’t take her long to run my stuff past the laser. After all, I didn’t have much. Then she asked me the explosive question.
“Do you have any coupons today?”
My response was only four words, but I believe it took me a good 20 seconds to utter them, as at this point every fiber of my being was trying to keep my cool.
Slowly and deliberatively I replied. “Whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyy n-n-nooooooo. I don’t.”
She must have noticed the glare on my face and when she did, a look of empathy suddenly appeared. She sensed how I felt (I'm guessing she could relate), and nodded as if she knew what had just happened was just plain wrong. Then she explained.
“Um, a lot of people these days seem to be taking up coupons as a hobby,” she said. I probed. She implied the coupons are the latest craze and that people are getting all crazy about then. Coupon clubs are popping up all over the place, and people are actually paying for them. For instance, a person may pay a nickel for a certain dollar-off coupon.
When you think about it, I guess it makes sense – especially in today’s economy. If the coupons were the right ones, I guess I would pay pennies on the dollar to save big bucks also.
Mind you, I’m not against coupons. I love them. And I consider myself quite the bargain shopper. Entertainment coupons are great, though we don’t get out like we used to. Still, pay $20 for the book, use a couple of the hundreds of coupons (mostly for restaurants and recreation) and you’ve paid for the book.
And don’t get me started on Kohl’s. I won’t even go into the store if I don’t have a coupon. Kohl’s constantly sends me coupons for at least 15 percent off. And sometimes I will hit the mother lode and be lucky enough to score a 30 percent off coupon. Even better, these coupons are good for not only regularly priced merchandise, but also clearance items. I’m addicted to Kohl’s. When I step foot into that store (with my coupons) I’m like a horny dog chasing a bitch in heat. Get out of my way – where are those 70- and 80-percent off racks?
Here’s what I’m saying: I love a bargain too. And I know it’s not just about money, but it’s the thrill of the search. I know the euphoria of finding treasures amongst a bunch of crap and then not having to pay much for them. To this day I’m still wearing a couple of pairs of $7 Dockers that I found off those racks. A couple of weeks ago I wore my fully lined wool pants and jacket. The whole suit was about $18. Just this week I found 80-percent off sales at Macy’s. Plus I had a 20-percent off coupon. Plus since it had been so long since I’d used my Macy’s credit card they opened another account for me and gave me another 15-percent off. I came out of there with a $5 cardigan, a $6 skirt and a couple of other things that were originally much more expensive but set me back less than $10 for each piece. So that was 80-percent off, plus another 35 percent off of that. I’m still high from that shopping trip.
My take is that coupons are good. Extreme “couponism” (my word, which I just made up) is bad. Fortunately, I haven’t been stricken by that bug, and I don’t think I will be. Going after all those coupons is just not worth my time. I would rather the coupons came to me.
I concede, however, that perhaps those who are coupon-consumed cannot control themselves. That’s why it’s time for the stores to step up. Hey grocery stores, how about giving those coupon queens their own dedicated checkout lines? For instance, every purchase at most checkouts would be subject to a 10-coupon limit, with the exception of just a couple of aisles which are reserved for the extreme coupon cronies. Let them all keep each other waiting. Then maybe they will realize how pissed off the rest of us get when they pull out their massive piles of supermarket Monopoly money.
For the record, Coupon Queen had 39 coupons, though it seemed like a couple of hundred. I asked the cashier, who knew the exact number. Remember – she was the one who had to recount them. (And if you just happened to use exactly 39 coupons at a grocery store last Friday night and there was only one woman behind you, no -- it wasn’t you.) And my son who I was supposed to pick up at 7:30 didn't make it into the confines of my car until 8:00. He was mad, but oddly enough I didn't care.
All in all, coupons are good in moderation. (I pity the woman who tries to pilfer my Kohl’s coupons from my mailbox.) But the current extreme coupon craze poses a serious threat to society. Tempers will flare. People could get hurt. Innocent victims will suffer. Kids will be traumatized and feel abandoned as they are left waiting to be picked up from their sports practices. It must stop.
Coupon queens, enjoy your reign now. I assure you it won’t last. You’ve turned a good thing bad and it is up to the masses to make it right again. Just try to keep abusing your coupon privileges. It’s only a matter of time before the rest of us will surely topple you.
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