The Inevitability of Change

I went to have my hair done yesterday. And I threw the seeds to the wind.

Normally it's a matter of just putting a few highlights in and and trimming up my tresses. But yesterday was different. I was in the mood to change it up. When I visited Francesca, my very able bodied stylist, I presented her with a couple of pictures of hairstyles I might like to try. One was an unknown model, the other was Halle Berry. "Can you make me look like Halle Berry?" I asked. Fortunately, Francesca was up for a challenge and went about her business giving me that "berry berry" fine look. She took the clippers to my hair, made my style nice and cool for the heat of the summer, and I was quite satisfied with the the end result -- just like Halle. Darn it though, even though the hair is spot on, I'm afraid I have a long way to go to look like Halle Berry. Maybe losing about 40 pounds would help. Oh well. The hair's a start.

So why the impulse to change? I guess it's in response to all of the upcoming changes that will take place in my life in the next month. Drastic changes that I am both excited about and nervous about. Ok, I'm not just nervous -- I'm scared shitless.

A year ago I never imagined that I am in the place that I'm in now. What turned into a major change in my life really started out simply enough, as a passing thought. My youngest child had left the nest to go to college, and my husband and I were left alone in this empty next. Once he had left, I was left wondering, "What next?" So I got this crazy idea to look into what it might take to go back to school to pursue a PhD in my field (communication).

The initial exploratory process was fun and prompted me to investigate further into what the University of Kentucky had to offer. I attended an all-day preview day last November and liked what I saw. So I figured I would apply to become a doctoral student and then maybe go part-time (one to two classes a semester) while continuing to work full-time at St. Elizabeth Healthcare.

Really, my biggest worry was getting admitted, since I had heard it was a competitive program. I submitted my application on November 30 of last year. So imagine my surprise when in early February I received a call notifying me that I had not only been offered admission, but also a four-year tuition waiver and paid teaching assistantship if I agreed to go to school full time.

I was flattered when notified, but my first inclination was to turn the offer down. After all, it would be too much change in my pretty settled life. There would be no way that I could continue working full-time at St. Elizabeth and accept this offer. But I had two months to make a decision, so I took every bit of the full two months to weigh all of my options. Needless to say, it was a grueling two months.

I have to say many friends, family and co-workers supported and encouraged me along the way. I'm sure that probably influenced my decision to a degree. And ultimately, I did decide to accept UK's offer. I reasoned that to have such an opportunity dropped in my lap indicated perhaps a divine intervention of some sort. Perhaps it's' a calling from God. And at the very least, I knew that if I didn't accept the offer I would always wonder what would have happened had I taken the other path.

So that was the basis of my decision-- that perhaps it was meant to be.

Did I make the right decision? I don't know. It may be a while before I know -- hopefully just a few months, maybe a few years. I've already been warned that there will probably be times where I will panic and wonder what I have gotten myself into. So I'm desperately trying to prepare myself. (We're only a month away until it all starts.) Here is what I'm doing to mentally prepare:

• Attend a yoga class at least once a week. I like the hot yoga, the type that makes you sweat from the start. It seems as the sweat drips off our body, it has a tendency to wash the stress away and calm my mind.
• Work on my confidence issues. Part of this deal will be teaching two classes per semester to undergraduates. Am I up to it, or will those 18- to 20-year-old kids eat me alive? A colleague of mine reminded me of something very important on this note -- that I am actually the one with the power. I give the grades -- their GPAs are in my hands. Wow, that's deep. Not that I will get on a power high with this, but it helps put things in perspective.
• Don't let my age get in the way. I'm going to be older (okay, much older) than many of my cohorts. This could be intimidating. But I have to remind myself that I have approximately 30 years of work experience in the field -- way more than any of my fellow TAs will have. Hopefully this (and the knowledge I bring forth from this) will serve to command some respect from both my fellow co-horts and the students I will be teaching. (And besides, many have told me I look young for my age, so if I can pass for 10 years younger I'll be happy.)
• Immerse myself in my coursework. I'm there to learn, and not to question whether or not I can do this. So just do it. For God's sake, I have two previous degrees, so I should be able to do this, right?
• Embrace the change! Change is hard -- no doubt about it. But if we don't change, we remain static, and that fosters decline. As much as it is human nature to resist change, it is necessary. We must all eventually change to ensure continual growth.
• Manage my time effectively. Fortunately, I'm pretty good at this. As long as I can get a reasonable amount of sleep per night, I should be fine.
• Depend on those I know who can be valuable resources. I know that I have a support system that I can call upon if I need it -- mostly professors and colleagues from my master's program, at Northern Kentucky University. Although it's been almost eight years since I finished up my master's there, the folks there are so nice and accommodating. I know I can draw on their experience and expertise when needed.
• Remember that attitude is everything. The more positive I can be (and less nervous), the more likely I will excel. Hopefully I will be able to surround myself with some good vibes.

Okay, so this is a pretty vague plan so far, but I expect it will become more defined as I go along. Any prayers and good wishes you can send my way are most appreciated. I really do need those good vibes to give me the hope, confidence and enthusiasm I need to make this new chapter in my life a success. 

One more thing, just for the record. I'm not doing this so people can call me "Dr." in four years. I'm not really doing it for any kind of prestige. I truly want to do this so that someday I might make a difference -- a difference in the way I can consult with health care providers as they interact with patients, so that patients feel loved and cared for. This, in turn, motivates patients to work harder to be more compliant with their care, and such efforts serve to increase health outcomes. Enhanced communication practices in our system, coupled with the science of compassion, will ultimately foster caring environments that bring forth optimal peace, healing and well being.

This is important to me. A few years ago my grandmother, who had dementia, was admitted to the hospital and the assigned physician making his initial visit to her asked her bluntly, "Are you demented?" I guess he thought he was joking, but my mother and I were horrified. My grandmother was a person, dammit, who had lived through the Depression, helped farm her family's dairy farm during World War II, worked in the factory to support her family (while also tending to the family farm) and raised a family. She was married to my grandfather for 66 years until his death. And yet, during those few seconds and during that encounter, that physician reduced her to nothing but a demented object not hardly worthy of his time.

My quest in life is to make the patient-provider relationship better than this. This is why I do this.

There is so much wrong with healthcare that could be fixed with better communication practices. This is my calling.

For 25+ years, in some form or another, I have served a calling to make healthcare better. And now I have come to this place in my life. It's a new challenge.

Am I scared? Yes. But not so scared that I'm not willing to take the chance to see if this might be the opportunity for me to make the world a better place.

So here we go. As I have so many times before, I'm figuratively throwing the seeds to the wind. Let's see where they may fall!